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Tuesday, December 21, 2004 

Sarah Whenever I Hear Your Name

When I was 16 years old I read the Book of Mormon for the first time. A friend of mine was taking the disscusions in spite of my example, rather than because of it. With all this talk about the Book of Mormon and God and Jospeh Smith going on I figured I might as well know what the heck I was talking about. So I started to read. I trudged through 1 Nephi and was so proud of myself that I'd make it through that I did what any sane person would do... I stopped reading it. My friend continued the discussions and even got baptized. My reading of the Book of Mormon didn't continue with any regularity and I wasn't reading it in any particular order either, just pecking through, hoping to find something that would inspire me to be a better person, to be the best person I could be, to be the person I so believed I was not.

I had never, not once, felt wholey accepted when I was at church. I was fat, I was brown, I was more obnoxious than any teen should be allowed to be. My family life was hell, my freinds seems to be so very with it that I was hopeless. I could not find reasons to survive, I could not come up with a purpose for going on. I waged yet another battle with the crippiling depression I'd suffered from for as long as I could remember. I remember thinking I couldn't make it out of that place. I remember thinking the dark was so much stronger than the light. I remember that terrible, terrible feeling of not being able to move, of being mired down is utter and complete sorrow. It was complete hell. My life, every day, was hell.

One night, after pouring my soul into one of my countless journal entries I picked up my scriptures and flipped through the Book of Mormon. As my eyes scanned the words, not really taking them in, I kept wishing for an answer. I wasn't praying, I wasn't directing my thoughts to God... I was just wishing. Wishing to know how I was ever going to get over the things that had happened, how I would be able to tackle what life surely had in store for me, how I was just going to be able to keep on going.

And then I read it. I read 2 Nephi 1:15 : "For behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell, I have beheald His glory, and am encircled about eternally in the arms of His love."

I sat there on my bedroom floor in a house full of agony in a life that was hell and knew, just KNEW, that there was at least HOPE for redemption. There was HOPE that I would make it out of where I was.

In the decade since that moment I have had to fight tooth and nail to maintain the testimony I have. But I have one... I have one and I KNOW. This isn't about what I belive... this is about what I KNOW.

I know who I am. Sometimes who I am is too much for me, too overwhelming in this earthly existance, but I know nonetheless. I may try (and I have SO tried) to deny it, to make it go away by messing up, to make it seem like something I didn't want... but everytime, EVERY TIME, I think about straying, I think about throwing my hands in the air and forgetting everything I KNOW... in the back of my head I hear the words that brought me back the first time. I hear the promise of redemption. I hear the unconditional love. And I know... I know that it's all true.

Very beautiful. There was so much there that I could relate to. Thanks.

You write so beautifully. Thank you for letting us read it.

You're cool. (That may seem like a lame response but I can't help it. It's just the way I feel.)

This is inspiring. Thanks.

Beautiful, beautifully written.

WE ARE FAMOUS!!! Famous!! The wonderful EJ liked us to her site... love you girl... absolutely LOVE YOU!!

Check it http://lifeinthebackground.blogspot.com/

Amazing! It reminds me of a time when I was just about to give up and a scripture jumped out at me! Thank you for sharing...you are an inspiration to me and others.

YOU help me to believe. Even though I go about it differently than I used to...YOU help me to believe in MANY things...especially in myself. Thank you for writing this. Love you.

I think a lot of people, even the non-fat, non-brown, "happy" people can relate to what you have gone through. Thank you for sharing it so honestly.

I love how Carrie Ann said: "Non-fat and Non-brown"...almost like you were ordering a latte...or something of the sort. lol

Sorry...thought it was funny. I'm serious again. :D

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This Week's Topic:

  • The Sabbath Day

Various Authors

  • Monday:
    Kaycee opted out of Mormondom 4 years ago. She calls herself agnostic.
  • Tuesday:
    Sarah is not your average Gospel Doctrine Teacher.
  • Wednesday:
    Carrie Ann comes from pioneer stock, and lives in Provo, but is open minded and fair.
  • Thursday:
    Ned Flanders hasn't been to church in a while, but maintains an interest in all things Mormon.
  • Friday:
    John C. is an academic with a sense of humor and a testimony.
  • Saturday:
    JP's not going to church and feeling okay about it.

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