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Tuesday, January 04, 2005 

If It's Your Decision To Be Open About Yourself Be Careful Or Else

I wish I could remember the first blog I ever read. But I don't. I just remember thinking that the blogs I read were amazing. I read the entire archives of Dooce and Que Sera Sera in less than two days. I was completely and utterly entranced by them. There were these people doing what I so longed to do, they were being writers. All my life all I'd ever wanted was to be a writer. For several days I went back and forth about starting my own blog. I had never used html before, I had no idea what any of it meant. I was scared of loosing my job, because of Dooce's experiance. There were a lot of reasons for me not to blog. But that fateful June day 18 months ago, I made my way over to Blogger and I made myself a blog. Nothing has been the same ever since.

I started my blog because there was something in me that needed release. There was (and is) this feeling in my chest that just won't go away. There is this constant thought that I have something that I should say, something that I must purge from my soul in order to keep moving forward, in order to just get out of bed in the morning. I have kept paper journals since my 13th birthday. And when I say "kept paper journals" i mean painfully deatailed accounts of my day to day. My Senior year of high school (a year when I was sure I'd totally lost my mind, and in all honestly, probably did) I have 3 bound journals for the 365 days of that year. When I go back now and read them, I shout at the book, "NO SARAH! Don't do it! This will only end badly!" But, just like every book that is written, the choices I made never change. I make the same mistakes every time. I have the same victories every time. I find comfort in that. My past is my one constant thing in my life. At least I know it will not change, it will not go away, it is the one thing that will never leave me.

The problem I have with paper journals (which I still use nearly daily, by the way) is that all those feelings I pour out of my chest seem locked on the pages. When I open some of my journals I can almost smell the day I wrote about. I have several journals I simply could not fill because it was too sad and too painful to keep writing in a book that already held so much sorrow. So, I would abandon the journal, abandon the feelings that seeped from those pages and into my skin every time I opened it, and I would begin afresh. But journal after journal, time after time, the story was the same. One of the big reasons blogging appealed to me was because it was a change for me to take this feeling, this ache, this pain, this joy, this beauty out of my chest and fling it into the universe. Blogging gave me the first oppertunity to get those feelings away from me. And for a long, long time it worked.

For the past couple months I have thought of scrapping my blog because I feel like I don't have anything worth saying anymore. I told a friend of mine that the other day and she said, "No, that only means you have MORE to say." I'm not sure if I believe that or not, but getting this feeling out of me, putting the words in the right order, making it all make the slightest bit of sense has become painfully difficult. And there are a lot of reasons for that. My readership scares the heck out of me sometimes, I mean, seriously, there have been WARS in my comments about THE SILLIEST THINGS. There are people who read my site and part of me wishes they didn't. There are strangers who have absolutly changed my life because of the kind things they've said to me. There are strangers who have cut me deeply with their biteing words. But honestly, at the end of the day, the most AMAZING things have happened to me because I put my heart and soul on the internet for anyone to read. I have met amazing people, I have strengthened relationships with people I already loved, I have been changed. And for the first time in my life I feel like a writer. For the first time in my life I know I am doing what I was born to do.

Sarah, this is beautiful. I am glad we get to write together and I am glad you have not given up on your blog. 

Posted by Rebecca

I can't wait for Thursday...you will then "hear" about why I love your blog..and what its done for me. AWESOME post...I love it. 

Posted by JP

I remember my 19th birthday and that night we stayed up talking...at the end of the talk you were sure that I needed a blog...and so we whent to bolgger..and the rest is history. Thank you for opening my blog door. 

Posted by dragon

I'm so glad you didn't and don't quit. I've seen the wars, but don't sweat it. You're who you are, and I can't imagine that anyone wouldn't love you, if they knew you. You are so loved!

Especially by me! 

Posted by Kaycee

Thanks for blogging Sarah. I'm one of those readers who browses and loves to see and "hear" your writing. 

Posted by Star

If this has anything to do with you trying to come in between Aidan and I......
But keep on blogging, I just think its a little creepy you know when I have been there! 

Posted by Cameron

Sarah, you are a gem.  

Posted by Lisa

Don't stop. There are so many people who are waiting to get to know you (myself included) and those who are clammoring for more! 

Posted by Carrie Ann

Wow! Beautiful, it really is. I can so relate and I feel the same way so many times. I've been through the "wars" and I know first hand how painful they can be. I was nearly ready to give up completely...but there are such amazing people out there. I love what you guys are doing! I love the honesty and the openess of it all. You guys inspire me. 

Posted by EJ

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This Week's Topic:

  • The Sabbath Day

Various Authors

  • Monday:
    Kaycee opted out of Mormondom 4 years ago. She calls herself agnostic.
  • Tuesday:
    Sarah is not your average Gospel Doctrine Teacher.
  • Wednesday:
    Carrie Ann comes from pioneer stock, and lives in Provo, but is open minded and fair.
  • Thursday:
    Ned Flanders hasn't been to church in a while, but maintains an interest in all things Mormon.
  • Friday:
    John C. is an academic with a sense of humor and a testimony.
  • Saturday:
    JP's not going to church and feeling okay about it.

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