Do I Have to Say the Words?
Most people don’t understand my limbo-ness. They don’t understand how I can not denounce the church but that I still don’t live my life as a “good Mormon” would. I don’t go to church. I don’t necessarily follow the guidelines of the church. It’s not because I think it’s a bad idea, its just not the way I choose to live my life right now. I still hold true to my beliefs in God, the scriptures, etc. I guess I just live in a very “generic” Christian way instead of a very specific Mormon way. That disappoints my family and some of my friends. It makes them sad, but I think all of us have to get over that and move on. The ironic thing is that I still have parts of my life that I keep to myself. Maybe I just don’t give “The Mormons” in my life a chance to accept me in all ways because I think I just got tired of disappointing them. It’s such a downer. I’ve always put a lot of pressure on myself to be what was expected of me. I essence, I’ve created my own baggage of being Mormon.
But to be perfectly honest, I don’t get asked if I’m a Mormon very often. I’m not exactly sure why that is, but nobody at work seems to care and all my friends and family pretty much know my story. Plus, I didn’t go to BYU or live in Utah…so that never factors in. But when I do get asked, I usually say that I “grew up Mormon” or that I’m “not active.” I just want other people to make up their own minds about the church and not have my (bad) example taint their view. Everyone should have their own opinions…it’s not my job to sway them either way. I've gotta make my choices and decisions...so do they.
Do I think I’m a bad person? I used to. Do I go to church? No. Do I follow the “rules” of the church? Not really. Have I completely ruled out returning to the church? Not at all. Am I happy with my life? Indeed I am. And I know I’ve been blessed. Do I give off the “appearance of evil?” Well, I don’t think so…but I certainly wouldn’t be asked to speak at any fireside, either.