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Tuesday, March 01, 2005 

Took A Long TIme To Stand, Took An Hour To Fall

It would take me hours to list all the things I am self-conscious about. There are more things that I stew about than I care to share with anyone. My brain doesn't stop thinking about the thousand million things I have done wrong or badly or just not good enough. I am a ball of anxiety. And that is why I'm medicated. ;)

But the question this week is why are we self-conscious. I don't know about you, but a lot of my self-consciousness comes from only one place... me. Sure, I have had my fair share of people telling me I am not good enough (it's the beauty of growing up fat), but the thing is I chose to believe it. I believe(d) it so much, that even to this day I struggle to think of myself in any kind of possitive light. And I know I'm not alone in that feeling. I know I am not the only one who constantly beats themselves up for the fact that they didn't live up to what they thought they should have. I know I am not the solitary person on this planet that deals daily with a serious dose of self loathing. I am not the only one fighting to keep standing everyday.

I think it's funny the things that absolutly cut me to the marrow. They are the simpilest things - an unreturned phone call, a sideways glance, a frustrated curse in my general direction - these little tiny meaningless things can deflate me instantly for reasons that are completely beyond me. But it is something I am attempting to change.

Once a week now I sit across from a stranger and lay my history in front of her. She trys to put it together and help me make sense out of it, help me see why the things in my past are effecting my day to day. Every morning I take a little pink pill that puts the chemicals in my brain where they are supposed to be. Everyday I put pen to paper and use words to draw pictures of the storms in my chest. Every hour of everyday I try to keep standing. I try not to listen the voices of the ghosts that swim around in my head. Without fail I fall, nearly every day. But I am learning that it is the ability to keep standing up that really counts.

I hope someday I won't worry about the things that I can't change. I hope someday I won't beat myself up over my indiscresions and inabilities. I hope someday I will believe it when someone tells me they love me. I hope someday I will be able to stand without the soul crushing fear of falling.

Sarah- I am amazed at your honesty in this post. Thank you so much for sharing yourself with the internet. Your posts are always so brutally- and sometimes painfully- honest. I hope that it is therapeutic for you to share your experience. I learn from reading it.

Wow! I'm speechless.

I can totally identify with what you've said and have shed some tears while reading this post. I LOVED how you expained why you write. "Everyday I put pen to paper and use words to draw pictures of the storms in my chest".

Simply beautiful!

“She was in the grip of an insuperable longing to fall. She lived in a constant state of vertigo. ‘Pick me up,’ is the message of a person who keeps falling. Tomas kept picking her up, patiently.” -- The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera.

I am reading this book right now and your post reminded me of this quote. I think you should read the book, you would enjoy it. We all have our moments where we suffer from vertigo.

I love that book Becca! I've read it a couple times actually. Thanks for pointing that quote out to me.

Your post could have been describing my life and feelings to a T. I couldn't have said it better.

Especially the part about being able to stand without the soul crushing fear of falling. I suffer from vertigo and dizziness and very often am physically unable to stand. The fear of falling is so great that I struggle to even want to try standing up yet again. I also deal with the depression and anxiety as well as an extreme sensitivity to being judged. I worry about putting my thoughts out in the blogosphere for fear of what others may say. I usually find myself content to stay on the sidelines and in the shadows as an observer. It feels safer that way. Yet, I want my voice to be heard and understood. The hope of one day being able to stand is what keeps me trying, day by day.

You know all those sideways glances and under-the-breath comments?...they are probably saying, "Why does that girl have to be so FINE!"

I'm with C.A.

I do the same thing, meaningless things that mean so much...
nothing gets to me more than co-workers going into a room and closing the door behind them. What am I worrying about? They love me. Besides, in 48 hours I will be UNEMPLOYED! =)

Come Thursday you will ALL find out how self conscious I am. Scary. Consider this your warning. ;)

I didn't mean to hit 'Enter'...spaz that I am. And now I'm worried that all of you think I'm a spaz! ;)

Seriously, Sarah...I have known you way too long and I know how wonderful it is that you do get up EVERY TIME you fall. You're amazing...even when you think that you're not. That's the beauty, though...we all fall. YOU get back up...even when you think that the worst or wonder if people think the worst of you. Love you, Girl...

Sarah, you are an amazing writer.

I drop by your blog some times, surely wish you well and better.

Sarah: You really need to start making fun of people instead of comparing yourself to them. Nothing better for a little mocking of the people around you to make yourself feel good!

Try the wharf, there are plenty of "freaks" down there.

Well done, Sarah. I think this type of post is so important...for everyone, but especially for people like Maren. I am so glad you commented, Maren. The blogging world can be a very safe place to let your feelings be known without fear of being hurt. It is like a testing ground for real life for me. It is like a more tangible conversation inside your head, before you exercise certain thoughts or ideas in your life. You should comment more often.

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This Week's Topic:

  • The Sabbath Day

Various Authors

  • Monday:
    Kaycee opted out of Mormondom 4 years ago. She calls herself agnostic.
  • Tuesday:
    Sarah is not your average Gospel Doctrine Teacher.
  • Wednesday:
    Carrie Ann comes from pioneer stock, and lives in Provo, but is open minded and fair.
  • Thursday:
    Ned Flanders hasn't been to church in a while, but maintains an interest in all things Mormon.
  • Friday:
    John C. is an academic with a sense of humor and a testimony.
  • Saturday:
    JP's not going to church and feeling okay about it.

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