Took A Long TIme To Stand, Took An Hour To Fall
But the question this week is why are we self-conscious. I don't know about you, but a lot of my self-consciousness comes from only one place... me. Sure, I have had my fair share of people telling me I am not good enough (it's the beauty of growing up fat), but the thing is I chose to believe it. I believe(d) it so much, that even to this day I struggle to think of myself in any kind of possitive light. And I know I'm not alone in that feeling. I know I am not the only one who constantly beats themselves up for the fact that they didn't live up to what they thought they should have. I know I am not the solitary person on this planet that deals daily with a serious dose of self loathing. I am not the only one fighting to keep standing everyday.
I think it's funny the things that absolutly cut me to the marrow. They are the simpilest things - an unreturned phone call, a sideways glance, a frustrated curse in my general direction - these little tiny meaningless things can deflate me instantly for reasons that are completely beyond me. But it is something I am attempting to change.
Once a week now I sit across from a stranger and lay my history in front of her. She trys to put it together and help me make sense out of it, help me see why the things in my past are effecting my day to day. Every morning I take a little pink pill that puts the chemicals in my brain where they are supposed to be. Everyday I put pen to paper and use words to draw pictures of the storms in my chest. Every hour of everyday I try to keep standing. I try not to listen the voices of the ghosts that swim around in my head. Without fail I fall, nearly every day. But I am learning that it is the ability to keep standing up that really counts.
I hope someday I won't worry about the things that I can't change. I hope someday I won't beat myself up over my indiscresions and inabilities. I hope someday I will believe it when someone tells me they love me. I hope someday I will be able to stand without the soul crushing fear of falling.