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Tuesday, April 26, 2005 

From Your Love I Grew Into Complete And Whole

I am horrible about seeing my strengths. I focus on my weaknesses until they are the only thing I can see. From myself, I demand near perfection and when I fall short (as I do most of the time) I am devastated. I can break my own heart better than anyone else. I can see beauty in most everyone around me, but seeing the beauty in myself is the most difficult thing I have ever attempted.

I started dating a young man not very long ago. I haven't really written about him, because in a way, I want to keep him to myself. I don't want to jinx anything. But, the question that was posed this week seems to fit with the events that have transpired in my life as of late. This young man who seemed to fall out of the sky and into my life rather unexpectedly cannot stop telling me how great I am. We spent the weekend talking and learning about each other. We ate good food, visited with my friends and laughed a lot. Each night when we were finished being in the presence of others he would wrap his arms around me and tell me all the things I had done throughout the day that he admired. I was floored at the careful attention he paid to the smallest things. I had thrown him into the fire of my life by having him hang with drunks, lesbians, and molly Mormons all within a 48 hour period of time. With each different group of people he held his own, was kind, smart and funny. Yet, he watched me closely, returned to me each night and reported all the good I had done. I have never been able to see the things he sees in me in myself. I have never been able to feel that I am good enough person, that I am strong enough, that I am anywhere close to the best version of myself. But he is looking where I can't see, and when he finds something beautiful he makes sure to bring it to my attention. I told him last night that this amazed me. He smiled at me and said, "Why is that amazing? You do the same thing for everyone you know and love." I had no idea. I had no idea I could feel the way I do from hearing these kind words, I had no idea I had made anyone feel this way from the things I have said. My heart jumped a little. And then I thought of all the people I love so dearly, the people who have put their hands into my heaped up heart and passed over the bad, looked past the ugly, and found something worth loving, something worth celebrating. I can't tell you how grateful I am for that, for the people who have surrounded me when I needed it most, loved me in spite of me, and showed me things I couldn't see on my own.

My greatest strength is the love I have for others. My greatest weakness is not being able to love myself. I don't think it is any coincidence that the Lord has surrounded me with the most amazing people who I can't help love, and who are helping me turn my weakness inside out, and make it the strength that I need. I am learning who I am. I am being shown every day by friends, family, and a loving Heavenly Father. My weakness is evolving into strength, it is changing from darkness to light, with the help of those I adore I am becoming who I was born to be. I am becoming strong.

As someone who has been loved by you for 20 years...I am the one who is blessed.

You do love...and you love with such a fierceness that I admire.

What a wonderful strength that is. Great post.

Ahhhh... my house was the "Drunks" over the weekend... how nice.

But he's absolutely right, Sarah. You make everyone around you feel just surrounded in love... and we adore you back.

I'm glad he's in your life to show you that.

Its about damned time! I am so happy for you to have him show you how beautiful you are; inside and out.

Sandy

"I had no idea I had made anyone feel this way from the things I have said."

This is the most heart wrenching part of your post for me - that you have never realized what joy you have brought into others' lives by your kind words that exude love. ...And I've never even met you face to face! I can only imagine what our "real" friends think of this!

I meant what YOUR real friends think of this. :) ("Real" meaning people you've actually met in real life.)

Passing over the bad, and looking past the ugly are good strengths

How come 90% of the time that Kaycee is mentioned it involves the word "drunk"

Wow--he sounds like a keeper.

Sarah, this is thoughtful and well-written. I really felt something while I was reading it. Your last paragraph is insightful and powerful. Thanks for sharing.

Wow, that was really beautiful. I was really moved by the entire post. I can easily say I have the same shortcoming. I only hope I share the same strength. You truly are blessed.

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This Week's Topic:

  • The Sabbath Day

Various Authors

  • Monday:
    Kaycee opted out of Mormondom 4 years ago. She calls herself agnostic.
  • Tuesday:
    Sarah is not your average Gospel Doctrine Teacher.
  • Wednesday:
    Carrie Ann comes from pioneer stock, and lives in Provo, but is open minded and fair.
  • Thursday:
    Ned Flanders hasn't been to church in a while, but maintains an interest in all things Mormon.
  • Friday:
    John C. is an academic with a sense of humor and a testimony.
  • Saturday:
    JP's not going to church and feeling okay about it.

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