« Home | The Answer to the Question, who is the most famous... » | Did I Miss the Fireside on Mormon Celebrities??? » | Who are we forgetting? » | You're Not Alone » | Church Celebrities: » | The Law of Chastity: Only One Part of the Big Pict... » | George Michael taught me everything I know about s... » | Kaycee Lives in Sin and I Upped the Teen Pregnancy... » | I Live in Sin... You? » | Your Body Is A Wonderland » 

Saturday, April 16, 2005 

If I Were a Mormon Celebrity…

This is what my day would be like:

5.oo am Pray for 30 min., being famous requires a lot of “favors”

5.3o am Read scriptures for 30 min. making notations for Book of Mormon commentary I will be publishing later in the year. Drink a cup of Mockaccino, my own brand of Mormon “coffee” sold in fine food emporiums in Utah, Idaho, and Arizona.

6.oo – 7.3o am Work out with Utah-equivalent of Radu, trainer to the stars. LaVell will do, I suppose, although he tends to over work my glutes and neck muscles.

7.3o – 10.oo am Early temple session (all clothing rentals and breakfast in the cafeteria are on the house, of course…must also enter and exit through special “celebrity” entrance, no recommend necessary…)

Personal Assistant: Pick up white custom Escalade with gold-leafed chrome and custom Moroni antenna topper from car shop.

1o.oo – 11.oo am Appointment at Beehive Clothing for custom fitting

11.oo – 12.oo pm Sit for interview with Doug Fabrizio on KUER’s “Radio West” show…promote new book and CD. Harmlessly flirt…like we always do. Set up lunch date for next week to get my ideas for interesting topics.

Personal Assistant: Take documents to accountant. Make sure he sees the celebrity tithing voucher (only 8% this year!)

1.oo – 2.oo pm Book signing at Deseret Book in University Mall…overwhelmed by crowds…need police escort.

2.oo – 3.oo pm Photo shoot for modest swimwear. It’s the next big thing!

Personal Assistant: Field any calls from Sherry Dew concerning October’s General Conference suit. Tell her to go with blue.

3.oo – 4.oo pm Meet with acting coach about cameo role in Richard Dutcher’s new “God’s Army III: In the Hood”

5.oo – 6.oo pm Dinner at Café Rio – order and pick up at celebrity drive thru

Personal Assistant: Remind Café Rio employees that on the celebrity stamp card it only takes 5 stamps to get a free meal, and if the meal is comped I still get a stamp

6.oo – 8.oo pm Secret Weekly Mormon Celebrity Seminar – Tonight’s guest host Michael Ballam on “Typecasting”
Tonight’s topics:
“How to Get Recognized in the Mall”
“Diet Coke with Lime: OK in a Paper Bag?”
“How to Act Normal in Church or in Public”
“Botox and the Word of Wisdom”
“The Face of Humility”
“Damage Control Series Part VI: When the Person You Are Dating Brings Your Ratings Down”
“Wedding Rings: I Do or I Don’t in Public”

9.oo – 10.oo pm spend quality time with family

Personal Assistant Reminder: Have nanny up bedtimes to 9.05 to squeeze out a few extra minutes for stress relieving yoga. Add to schedule.

10.oo – 12.ooam Answer fan email. Write daily blog for fan website. Lurk on other Mormon blogs to see if I’m mentioned, Google myself.

Personal Assistant: Continue to say nightly prayers for me according to list of things needed doing.

Cafe Rio? I would have thought a Mormon Celb would eat somewhere a little more up scale.

Nicely Done CA. I think you would make the most perfect Mormon Celeb... And Edwards for your personal trainer? Great idea!! I know he is older then my father, but I think he is cute.

Cam, it's not about WHERE you eat or how much you spend...we all know that only the beautiful people eat at the "Rio" and besides and it's all about exploiting the celeb-ness to not have to stand in line...

CA can I be your assistant? I love the idea of being so close to such fame. :) It means I can write a tell-all book later.

is this humor? are or you bashing some "Mo" quasi-celeb? I don't get it, either way.

Silly "lyle stamps". Of course this is supposed to be funny. It IS funny! Love it, CA!

a) Lavelle Edwards would be a great personal trainer. I think I would be motivated by his grumpy face. It kind of scares me though. . .
b)I saw a "celebrity" at Rio. Ruth Todd stood behind me with her whole family. They were all in attractive ski clothes. When I drove away, I looked up and there was a ginormous sign with Ruth Todd and Keith McCord directly above Cafe Rio.

I forwarded this to a number of friends. It's really funny. Lyle Stamps needs to go to Iraq to fight the war he supports so much. He also needs to get a law licence before he practices.

Did you know that Doug Fabrizio cheated on his first wife while she was pregnant?

Did you know that she found out and kicked his ass out of the house?

Did you know he's now married to the woman he was stepping out with?

Did you know that she was cheating on her husband with Doug?

Nice!!

Post a Comment

This Week's Topic:

  • The Sabbath Day

Various Authors

  • Monday:
    Kaycee opted out of Mormondom 4 years ago. She calls herself agnostic.
  • Tuesday:
    Sarah is not your average Gospel Doctrine Teacher.
  • Wednesday:
    Carrie Ann comes from pioneer stock, and lives in Provo, but is open minded and fair.
  • Thursday:
    Ned Flanders hasn't been to church in a while, but maintains an interest in all things Mormon.
  • Friday:
    John C. is an academic with a sense of humor and a testimony.
  • Saturday:
    JP's not going to church and feeling okay about it.

Various Links

Powered by Blogger
and Blogger Templates