If I Were a Mormon Celebrity…
5.oo am Pray for 30 min., being famous requires a lot of “favors”
5.3o am Read scriptures for 30 min. making notations for Book of Mormon commentary I will be publishing later in the year. Drink a cup of Mockaccino, my own brand of Mormon “coffee” sold in fine food emporiums in Utah, Idaho, and Arizona.
6.oo – 7.3o am Work out with Utah-equivalent of Radu, trainer to the stars. LaVell will do, I suppose, although he tends to over work my glutes and neck muscles.
7.3o – 10.oo am Early temple session (all clothing rentals and breakfast in the cafeteria are on the house, of course…must also enter and exit through special “celebrity” entrance, no recommend necessary…)
Personal Assistant: Pick up white custom Escalade with gold-leafed chrome and custom Moroni antenna topper from car shop.
1o.oo – 11.oo am Appointment at Beehive Clothing for custom fitting
11.oo – 12.oo pm Sit for interview with Doug Fabrizio on KUER’s “Radio West” show…promote new book and CD. Harmlessly flirt…like we always do. Set up lunch date for next week to get my ideas for interesting topics.
Personal Assistant: Take documents to accountant. Make sure he sees the celebrity tithing voucher (only 8% this year!)
1.oo – 2.oo pm Book signing at Deseret Book in University Mall…overwhelmed by crowds…need police escort.
2.oo – 3.oo pm Photo shoot for modest swimwear. It’s the next big thing!
Personal Assistant: Field any calls from Sherry Dew concerning October’s General Conference suit. Tell her to go with blue.
3.oo – 4.oo pm Meet with acting coach about cameo role in Richard Dutcher’s new “God’s Army III: In the Hood”
5.oo – 6.oo pm Dinner at Café Rio – order and pick up at celebrity drive thru
Personal Assistant: Remind Café Rio employees that on the celebrity stamp card it only takes 5 stamps to get a free meal, and if the meal is comped I still get a stamp
6.oo – 8.oo pm Secret Weekly Mormon Celebrity Seminar – Tonight’s guest host Michael Ballam on “Typecasting”
“How to Get Recognized in the Mall”
“Diet Coke with Lime: OK in a Paper Bag?”
“How to Act Normal in Church or in Public”
“Botox and the Word of Wisdom”
“The Face of Humility”
“Damage Control Series Part VI: When the Person You Are Dating Brings Your Ratings Down”
“Wedding Rings: I Do or I Don’t in Public”
9.oo – 10.oo pm spend quality time with family
Personal Assistant Reminder: Have nanny up bedtimes to 9.05 to squeeze out a few extra minutes for stress relieving yoga. Add to schedule.
10.oo – 12.ooam Answer fan email. Write daily blog for fan website. Lurk on other Mormon blogs to see if I’m mentioned, Google myself.
Personal Assistant: Continue to say nightly prayers for me according to list of things needed doing.