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Tuesday, May 17, 2005 

It Feels Like Home To Me

I have re-read my introductory post several times over the last couple days. I wouldn't change a word. What I wrote then is still true, because my testimony of the gospel hasn't changed one bit. I have changed profoundly since I wrote that post though. I have evolved on several levels, and sit at this computer a happier woman than I was five months ago for several reasons.

At the beginning of this year I had done a fine job of forgetting who I am, who I always have been, who I am meant to be. I had thrown up my hands and given up hope for any kind of future worth having. I was depressed, so much so that getting out of bed was almost impossible. I was unhappy. I was lonely. In short, I was not much fun to be around. So, I slowly began making changes in my life. I started therapy and went back on meds. I began praying again (a habit I had abandoned in my angst), picked up my scriptures and read a little here and there. I started staying for all my church meetings and actually doing my calling. I stopped staying in bed and got back out into the real world. I shut off the computer and the dvd player and opened my door and my heart.

Things didn't magically get better over night. I still struggled, I still hurt, I still wanted to make mistakes. But I put my faith back where it belonged, hoped for the best and just kept going. In all of that going, I happened across not only more amazing people who I now call my dear friends, but I met my husband. The past year of my life has been a test of sorts. Looking back, reading my journals and posts, I see it clearly. I did not pass my test with flying colors as I always hoped I would. I did what I could, probably not the best I could, but it is what I did. Through all of it though, the lesson I learned over a decade ago remains the same...

Behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from Hell; I have beheld his glory and I am encircled eternally in the arms of his love.
2 Nephi 1:15

Behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from Hell; I have beheld his glory and I am encircled eternally in the arms of his love.
2 Nephi 1:15

I like that end cap.

Thank you for sharing it.

Sarah, our tests are not given to us for us to "pass with flying colors"...that is why we have the atonement.

why is it we can never see the present clearly? Thank goodness that you keep such good records of your life! It makes seeing the progress and happy times that much sweeter. I wish I were a better journal keeper!

I appreciate what you wrote as I have had a similar experience. I wish you well.

P.S. I really love these lines from "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing":

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

I think it is easy to get caught up in the daily struggles of life and forget who is really in charge and can carry us through the bigger trials in life.
Thank you for reminding me whom I need to put my trust in.
I think Nephi said it best for me here:
Nephi 4:19-21
"19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

21 He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.

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This Week's Topic:

  • The Sabbath Day

Various Authors

  • Monday:
    Kaycee opted out of Mormondom 4 years ago. She calls herself agnostic.
  • Tuesday:
    Sarah is not your average Gospel Doctrine Teacher.
  • Wednesday:
    Carrie Ann comes from pioneer stock, and lives in Provo, but is open minded and fair.
  • Thursday:
    Ned Flanders hasn't been to church in a while, but maintains an interest in all things Mormon.
  • Friday:
    John C. is an academic with a sense of humor and a testimony.
  • Saturday:
    JP's not going to church and feeling okay about it.

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