I Have a Testimony of Pepperoni
And though you may already hear the creaking of an over-extended metaphor, I think Mormonism and religion in general are a lot like pizza for me. Sure, it's not an exact analogy, but I think it has some good points.
Just because I can't eat pizza, it doesn't mean that I don't want anyone else to eat it. My wife and I order pizza all the time; she eats the pizza, and I have a meatball sub (sans frommage). I am happy that she is happy eating the pizza. What the pizza does to my digestive system has no relevance to her enjoyment of it.
Just because I can't eat pizza doesn't mean that I don't occasionally enjoy the smell of it. That doesn't mean that I want to live in a pizzeria (or next door to one), or have pizza rubbed in my face every single day. But I have no problem with a normal amount of pizza.
If I eat a slice of pizza, I will get sick. But I can pick off the pepperoni and eat them without consequences. There is no reason not to eat the pepperoni if it is the cheese that makes you sick. Of course, you shouldn't cherry pick all the pepperoni off a slice and leave it inedible.
Finally, please believe me when I tell you I can't eat pizza. Some people have told me that there is no lactose in pizza, and that I should feel free to eat it. I have eaten it and I know that there is something in pizza makes me very sick, very quickly. Perhaps I'm misidentifying lactose as the root of my problem, but there definitely is a problem.
Do I envy the pizza-eaters? Sure, though not as much as I used to. I miss the strings of cheese that stretch from your mouth to the slice. I miss eating the cold leftovers in the morning for breakfast. But it's been a few years since I've eaten pizza, and I'm okay with that.
It does help that I've found a substitute: my wife discovered a pizzeria that offers pies made with brown rice cheese. The restaurant is a pain to get to, and the pizza isn't quite like the Godfather's that I remember, but it is worth it to me to eat pizza and not get sick.
After all, isn't that the point? Everyone needs to eat, but they don't all need to eat the same thing.
Posted by Ned Flanders.